Hard on me

Dear friends,

I just wanted to update after the rallies that took place on Saturday all across the country. I was inspired and deeply thankful for the many GLBT people, their friends, and family who participated. I am humbled by your support and you earnest efforts to fight the injustices of days past.

I have to say, I spent a long time struggling with whether or not I would attend. I had terrible mixed feelings. After speaking with my wife, her brother, and my friend matt, I came to the conclusion to not go. I chose to spend the day as I would if this were any other Saturday. I watched football with friends. I have a slight pang of guilt, but it rejuvinated me. The time away from thinking about all of this made me relax for the first time since the election. While I feel guilt, I also breathed a small sigh. For the first time since the vote, my life went somewhat back to normal.

Reasons for not going.
1. Iowa feels very foreign to me. Being away from California has been hard on my heart. There are wildfires affecting my friends and their families. There are students losing their homes and their possessions. Going to a rally in Iowa to protest while all of this is going on just seemed not the right thing to do. If I were in California, I would have felt a strong pull to go and I know I would have stood next to my friends. Here, it just doesn't feel right. I don't really know how to put this into words, but I hope you understand where I am going with this thought.

2. I have been very angry at how some people are fighting back. There are a few people on my end who have been attacking faith and people who were a part of the yes vote. While I understand their anger, I am appalled by their methods. I do not think this is a battle over religious values in America, but a battle over the manipulation and lies that religious organizations use in politics and elections. To attack faith is to attack the person. Where the fault lies is in misguided interpretations of the bible by people who follow religious doctrine in a literal sense. To attack the doctrine or the laws which have been made by political and religious ideologies is the winning ticket. To attack the people who incur those get us nowhere. Proposition 8 was about lies and fear. Set the record straight. Let's bring this back to the truth. Take a tip from the Prop 8 people when they said, "We don't hate gay people. We are just trying to protect marriage." We don't hate the church. We are just trying to protect our rights as American citizens.

3. I did not really have a chance to mourn the loss of something I held dear. I have been told I ride the fence in a lot of cases. I look like a dyke, identify as a dyke, but am referred to as "The straightest gay person alive." I am a self-professed straight gay. I am conservative in positioning and find sense in a moderate position. I can count my "gay friends" on both hands, but find a calculator necessary for my straight friends. I frequent brewpubs over gay bars. I find comfort in all walks of life. I grew up in the church. I have faith. I have both friends who support me by learning and trying to learn and those who would walk over fire for my rights. To some, I probably look like a sellout. Not gay enough. Not active enough. Not radical enough. I say, at least people are listening to me. I speak to a different demographic. Where Yes people look at the more radical and turn away, I break bread with them over coffee. I have been feeling like I have had to play mediator in a lot of this. People are mad all over the country and they are mad at some of the people I grew up with. I am mad at them too, but I know them. I know their families. I know their churches. Let me talk to them before they tune out completely. Let their friends, who support us, talk to them about why it hurt them to see this pass. I have felt the heat from both sides and have felt a duty to be responsive to both. All we need is 3%. Because of my insistent effort to not make this a "Blame the __________" (fill in with race or religious doctrine) attack, I have not had a chance to really get out my full sadness. I am sad. Very sad. I want nothing more than a hug from my sorority sisters, my lifelong friends, and my family. I want nothing more than to share this with the people I grew up with. Being so far away, watching people attack each other, and being someone always seems to be riding the middle, I feel like I lost my chance. The rally was going to bring up a lot of feelings I was not ready to completely address without either my wife or those people around me. It was just not my time to do so.

I feel a sense of loss at not being at a rally in Pasadena, Norwalk, LA, San Francisco, etc. I feel a loss at not being able to stand with my fellow Californians and say, "We are hurt by this." I feel a sense of loss, but that loss only fuels me to write. For me, this is my protest. This is my march.

I am also glad this has happened the way it has. I have never seen people more united or angry. I also feel like this is a turning point in America. I am proud to be a part of it.

My wife and I got married June 19, 2008. We saw that marriage up for debate on November 4, 2008. We will renew those vows on June 13, 2009. We will fight by loving each other. That's what I call a protest.

Comment away,

Stacy