Where do we go from here?

Dear friends,

"When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look for reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like the lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and argument. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change."

Thich Nhat Hanh

Over the last few days I have been bombarded with comments of sadness and of joy. On Tuesday, November 4, 2008, we elected a man who defied all institutional odds. An interracial person with a father from Kenya and a mother from Kansas, he attended Harvard Law and even impressed his professors by breaking through their expectations of him in politics. We shared in the joy of difference and breakthroughs. We made history. We also wrote discrimination back into the California constitution. The night was bittersweet for all of us affected.

In what seems to be all elections there are ballot measures that challenge state programs and laws. In California, Arizona, Florida, and Arkansas there were measures that discriminated against gay and lesbian people and, in the case of Arkansas, were directed at us, but affected unmarried individuals. These covert acts of homophobia often do affect others in the process.

While Arizona, Arkansas, and Florida all had measures that changed how we define marriage, California was the one that will break all historical records for LGBT people. California courts had legalized marriage for gay and lesbian people after a long battle in court. The court judged that same sex marriage was a right for all people in the state. In June, California made history. All eyes were on the courts as people from up and down the state came to marry across all counties. On June 19, my partner and I did the same. We were a part of history, but the fight was not over.

A ballot measure had been approved for the November election that would change the California constitution to reflect marriage as a union between a man and a woman. This would write discrimination into the constitution.

A long battle was waged by both sides. Yes on 8 used many lies and fear to sway voters to vote for the marriage amendment. They used children and fear tactics to sway voters to pass this proposition. No on 8 was less organized and felt the pain of losing on November 4, 2008. This was a sad day for all of us.

I cried much of the next day. I felt stabbed in the back. I pay taxes in California. I am from California. I went to church, school, youth group, summer camp, and played in little league and AYSO in California. I went to college in California. I have worked to better California. On November 4, 2008, I went to bed feeling betrayed by California. The state I loved and admired was full of people that let outsiders come in and scare them. The Mormon church, Focus on the Family, and other religious groups across America were part of the initiative to put this measure on the ballot. Large donations were made by people in Utah, Colorado, Connecticut, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Mississippi, Michigan, and Washington, D.C. Of the top donors for the Yes on 8 campaign (listed on the front page of Californians Against Hate), 8 of the 12 major donors were outsiders looking in. This pained me.

California has always been a place of support for all people. We open doors to everyone. We are the land of opportunity for people who want to be famous. We have mountains and oceans that are unlike anywhere in the world. The slogan from the California Travel and Tourism Commission has used in ads and marketing is, “Find yourself here.” I had always believed I could. When I felt the bitter pang of sadness on November 4, 2008, I realized I could no longer find myself there. The land of opportunity and happiness did not fully exist. California was living behind a mask of a smile on one side and a jeer on the other. The smog rolled in and what was once sunshine and support is gray and contradiction. There are more protestors on the street and people fighting each other. The California we all loved changed. We questioned our neighbors and their decisions. For those who did not visibly support the No campaign, we wondered if the house next door voted against us. This California we all knew was foreign to us. What hurt me most is that we let outsiders help make that decision for us. They did this by spreading fear and lies.

People all over the nation have lashed out at each other. We are in a lot of pain. I received phone calls from allies who were ashamed and who wanted to tell me how hurt they were by what had happened. I had people on facebook say to me that they voted "No" and would continue to fight. These people were feeling the same loss as I was. This wasn’t about the vote, but it was about the trust they had for their fellow residents. This was about the trust they had for their state. What I heard most was, “I am disappointed in California.” Knowing who was a part of changing the minds of Californians is what disappointed me the most. We allowed these outsiders to affect us by the lies they told.

Here they are (straight from No on 8 campaign, and supported by news organizations and lawyers across the state).

Fiction: Prop 8 doesn’t discriminate against gay people
Fiction: Teaching children about same-sex marriage will happen here unless we pass Prop 8
Fiction: Churches could lose their tax-exemption status.
Fiction: A Massachusetts case about a parent’s objection to the school curriculum will happen here
Fiction: Four Activist Judges in San Francisco made this decision for us
Fiction: If Prop 8 isn’t passed, people can be sued over personal beliefs.
Fiction: Pepperdine University supports the Yes on 8 campaign.
Fiction: Unless Prop 8 passes, California parents won’t have the right to object to what their children are taught in school
(To see who opposed proposition 8, click here)

They used children and religious freedom to attack a group of individuals who were trying to have equal rights under the law. They used these things to create fear in others. Under this guise, they also said they were there to “protect marriage.” Protect marriage from whom? Californians?

While we are angry and hurt, we need to be clear that these lies are what changed opinions. I was deeply saddened by how some people reacted over the vote. While we can be hurt and upset, anger and hate will get us nowhere. We need to be very clear to attack the lies and not the people who believe them. While we can point out certain organizations or religious groups, we need not blame the people in them. They have been told countless lies and are trusting of those people who tell them. This is an issue of trust and of understanding, not hate. This is an issue of fear and not hate. This is an issue of knowledge and not hate. Let me be clear that hate will bring us nothing but hate. Please stop attacking each other and start telling the truth about the lies that were told.

I have heard people attack the mormon church with letters of hate. I have heard people attack the African American and Latino communities with letters and words of hate. I have heard people attack their friends, relatives, associates, and congregations with hate. This gets us nowhere. We need to attack the lies that were told and bring it back to the issue at hand. People were misinformed. These were lies perpetuated by fear. Fear of each other and what we do not know.

The quote I put above establishes my point and gives a frame of reference. Do not blame the people. These people who voted yes just need the truth. They need to hear the stories of people who were affected by this vote. They need to know gay and lesbian people and see how similar we are to everyone else. They need to know there is nothing to fear by supporting a human being and loving them just as any other. This is not a time for blame, but for reason and understanding. This is a time for the ultimate act of love…treating others as you would have them treat you.

If we try to understand why people voted yes, we can open the lines of communication. You can not fight fire with fire. It does not work. Look to the previous post to see that Obama won the election by not giving in to hate and anger. He stood tall, defended the truth, and always repeated what he was going to do. We need to do the same.

Open the lines of communication and tell your story. Do it with compassion for the other person. Tell them there is nothing to fear. This is about love for fellow human beings and the American dream. We need to get back to the root of the issue. There is nothing to fear but fear itself. I believe someone got that right a long time ago…we can do this. We can do this by being honest and open. The fight is not over and does not have to be filled with anger. This movement is truly about hope. There is a hope for a better tomorrow where everyone is treated equally and loved equally.

In 2000, marriage was voted upon and we lost that battle 61.4% to 38%.
In 2008, marriage was voted upon and we lost that battle 52.47% to 47.53%
We are making change and changing opinions everyday and every year.

In this time of sadness and sorrow we need to treat each other with kindness. We need to share of ourselves. Do not be afraid to meet fear in the face and transform it. We can do this.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not our darkness that frightens us. We ask ourselves 'who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?'
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

Let us liberate each other from this fear so the next vote transforms not only ourselves and our hearts, but transforms California back to a place where we can, once again, find ourselves.

Yes we can,

Stacy